Should I or Shouldn’t I?
Why “Should” is the Most Disempowering Word in the English Language
There’s a single word you use every day that seems harmless but can wreak havoc on your mental health, relationships, and sense of self: “should.” It sounds like it’s nudging you toward better things—“I should go to the gym,” “I should call my mom,” “I should be married by now.” But beneath that nudge lies something far more insidious: the expectations, values, and judgments of other people.
The word “should” is disempowering because it rarely reflects your authentic self. Instead, it’s often a placeholder for inherited values—what your parents, culture, or society have told you is “right.” Until you unpack these “shoulds” and replace them with your own personal values, you’ll feel stuck in someone else’s story.
Values are essential—they ground us and give our lives meaning. But they only work when they’re yours. Otherwise, they become weights dragging you through life, leaving you frustrated, confused, and exhausted.
Let’s explore how you can start reclaiming your values and why the process is so essential for living an authentic, fulfilling life.
The Invisible Burden of “Should”
The word “should” has an almost hypnotic quality. It feels universal and unquestionable, but it’s usually rooted in external pressures. Take a moment to ask yourself: When I use the word “should,” whose voice am I really hearing?
Psychologically, “should” statements are a key driver of guilt, shame, and anxiety. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) identifies them as cognitive distortions, thoughts that warp your perception and fuel self-doubt. For example:
“I should have a more impressive career by now” reflects societal norms around success.
“I should stay in this relationship; my partner hasn’t done anything wrong” may reflect family beliefs about commitment.
“I should lose weight before my high school reunion” mirrors beauty standards imposed by media.
“Should” is often the voice of conformity, not individuality. When we overuse it, we risk living lives that don’t align with what truly matters to us.
The Tension Between Inherited and Personal Values
Where does this “should” voice come from? Psychologists and sociologists agree that we absorb values from our families, culture, religion, peers, and media. This is part of our development—we rely on others to teach us what’s important as we grow.
But at some point, usually in young adulthood, we face a developmental reckoning. We begin to realize that some of the values we’ve inherited don’t fit. Maybe your family values financial security above all else, but you crave adventure and creative freedom. Maybe your religion emphasizes tradition, but you feel pulled toward questioning and change.
Reckoning with this tension is difficult because inherited values are sticky. They often come with emotional attachments—guilt for disappointing others or fear of losing their approval. But without this reckoning, you risk living out a story that isn’t your own.
Emma’s Story: A Case Study in “Should” vs. Personal Values
Take Emma, a 32-year-old teacher in Chicago. Emma is questioning whether to stay in her five-year relationship with Alex. Alex is kind, steady, and reliable—the kind of partner Emma’s mom always said she “should” marry. But Emma feels restless. She craves more adventure, more connection, and more growth, but she feels guilty for wanting those things. “Alex hasn’t done anything wrong,” she tells herself. “I should feel grateful.”
Emma’s internal conflict is a battle between inherited and personal values. Her mom values stability and security in relationships, so Emma grew up thinking that’s what she “should” want. But Emma’s personal values—growth, passion, and exploration—are pulling her in a different direction.
Here’s what Emma might do to navigate this tension:
Interrogate the “should.” Emma can ask herself: “Says who?” Is the expectation to stay with Alex coming from her own values or her mom’s voice?
Clarify her values. Emma might journal about what truly matters to her in a relationship. For example: “Do I value security over connection? Is adventure something I’m willing to compromise?”
Make a values-aligned decision. If Emma decides to stay, it will be because she genuinely values the relationship, not because she feels she “should.” If she decides to leave, it will be because her values guide her toward a different path.
Emma’s process is one of reclaiming her values, replacing guilt and confusion with clarity and purpose.
When “Should” Is (Sometimes) Helpful
Not all “shoulds” are bad. Sometimes, “should” reflects a universal value or ethical principle that’s worth holding onto. For example:
“We should help those in need” aligns with compassion and empathy.
“I should apologize when I hurt someone” reflects accountability.
“I should prioritize my health” may be a reflection of a deeply held personal value.
The key is discernment. Does the “should” align with what you truly care about, or is it rooted in fear, shame, or societal pressure? When “should” aligns with your values, it can motivate you to grow or act in ways that serve your highest self.
Reclaiming Your Values: A Practical Guide
Reclaiming your values isn’t easy, but it’s the foundation of a fulfilling, authentic life. Here are some steps to get started:
1. Challenge Every “Should.”
The next time you think, “I should…”, pause and ask:
“Says who?”
“Does this reflect my personal values or someone else’s?”
2. Clarify What Matters to You.
Spend time identifying your personal values. Here are some prompts to explore:
What makes me feel alive and fulfilled?
What do I want people to say about me at my funeral?
What values am I currently living that don’t feel authentic to me? Tools like journaling, therapy, or a values clarification exercise can help.
3. Test Your Values Through Action.
Once you’ve identified your values, practice aligning your decisions with them. For example:
Instead of “I should take this promotion,” try “Does this opportunity align with my value of growth?”
Instead of “I should visit my parents every weekend,” try “How can I balance my value of family with my need for independence?”
4. Be Gentle With Yourself.
Reclaiming your values can feel messy. You may disappoint people. You may feel guilt or fear. That’s normal. Trust that aligning your actions with your values is worth the discomfort.
Living With Integrity
Living in alignment with your own values is liberating. It doesn’t mean life gets easy, but it does mean life feels meaningful and authentic. The next time you catch yourself saying, “I should…,” take a moment to ask: “Is this really my value?” That simple pause can be the first step toward reclaiming your life.
In other words, stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself.
I’m a Psychotherapist, Clinical Counselor, and Relationship Coach based in Indiana, and I have the privilege of being a small part of the lives of many people that trust I am a safe human being. That privilege allows me to participate in deeply meaningful conversations that spark my own curiosity, and feel expansive in my own life. For that, I am grateful. Helping you helps me. The topics I write about are often inspired by my clients, and I find it therapeutic to get the stuff I think about out of my head!
Thank you for reading my post. If you found this post helpful and relevant in your lived experience, feel free to buy me a coffee! I love coffee!